Today it is four years since my dad passed away.
I can't believe he has been gone for so long. For
anyone who has lost a loved one, you will understand that feeling of
incomprehension that they are no longer physically with you. In those early days,
it is something you cannot allow yourself to comprehend, let alone accept as
real, as final.
But since my dad has been gone, he has taught me
so much. I know that sounds strange, and for a while, I didn't acknowledge it,
but now I know and courageously share, that in my dad's passing from this life,
he has taught me so many powerful lessons.
On the morning my dad passed away, I was
surrounded by a strange sense of calm and an inner peace that I had not
experienced before. In the days leading up to dads passing I had been anything
but calm. Three nights before, someone had broken into our house at 3am
and stolen the car keys, wallet and phone and we awoke to hear the car being
driven out the driveway. Having my sense of safety and security eroded in one
moment, I did not slept more than a couple of hours for the next 3 days.
However, the night before dad passed away, I
finally allowed myself to sleep and awoke feeling so much calmer. I was also
battling a persistent throat infection that had been hanging around for 3
weeks. It was so unlike me to get unwell and I had taken antibiotics
(yuk) and yet it would not go away (not surprisingly!). These days I would
know my throat chakra was out of balance and quickly identify what was causing
it to be out of balance and correct it, thereby allowing it to start
healing itself. I would ask 'what was I not saying that I needed to say?'.
That is the question I now always ask when someone complains of throat issues
as the throat chakra relates to communication. However, back then, I was in a
very different place in awareness of my physical body and the powerful
link between emotion and physical health.
In retrospect, I have considered all the things
that I may have needed to say to my dad that I had not said, as my throat
infection cleared within 2 days of dads passing. Yet I have resolved that I had
said all I needed to say to my dad before he passed. I saw him for the last
time, 6 days before he passed away. We were heading to the airport to go back
home to Brisbane after a visit to celebrate my baby girls 1st birthday. I
remember I took my big girl, who had not long turned 3, into dad’s bedroom
to say goodbye. He was lying down having a rest after being to our next door neighbour’s
funeral. As my daughter leaned over and kissed her Pa goodbye I said to her
'when you love someone you tell them, ' and she said 'love you Pa' as she
kissed him. I leaned over and kissed my dad goodbye and said 'Love you Blue (my
affectionate name for him)'. They were my last words to him.
On that morning four years ago, despite the
throat infection and the break-in, I was strangely calm. And while my hubby
played golf, I calmly got my girls and I ready for the day and I walked them in
the double pram up to the church in the village where we were living. My baby
girl fell asleep in the pram and slept the whole way through Mass while I
cuddled my big girl and felt nothing but a deep love and a sense of inner
peace. We left church and I felt so chilled and relaxed and at ease with life,
I even let my big girl run ahead instead of sitting in the pram - which I never
normally did!
As we strolled down the hill into the village to
our favourite café, I wondered what time my hubby would be finished golf and
perhaps he could meet us. I knew he was playing on the other side of Brisbane,
but thought it would be lovely to share this special morning with him. As I
grabbed my phone from my bag, I saw I had numerous missed calls from my hubby
and my brother in law. It was in that moment that my life froze and was never
to be the same again. I grabbed hold of the handrail beside me and rang my
husband.
He answered and said 'Where are you?' I answered 'It's Blue isn't it?' He didn't answer and just said 'Where are you?'
He didn't need to answer, I knew. It was the
phone call I had always known was coming, was always expecting - and yet the
reality of it was beyond shocking. I was in shock.
I now look back at that morning and that
moment and know I was being protected by something or someone - call it a
Guardian Angel or a Guide, I just know it all happened the way it did for a
reason. My husband was literally 100m around the corner when I rang him and by
the time the realisation of what was going on had hit me, I could see him in the
car. In a blur I made my way to him, making sure my baby girls were safe and
then I fell to the ground in pain and in disbelief and shock. If my darling
husband had not been there at that moment, then I simply don't know what I
would have done. But he was there, in the same way that I was surrounded
by calm and infused with inner peace on that morning. I was protected by
something greater than me. And I needed to be, because in that moment, all
surface stuff, all ego, all conscious self is abandoned and all you have is
pure and raw - raw emotion, exposed and vulnerable. Nothing else matters.
A stolen car, a sore throat, a messy house, sleepless nights, unfolded washing,
dirty floors....nothing matters but the emotions you are feeling more
intensely than ever before, or ever again.
Maybe that was the beginning of the first lesson
that my dad taught me since passing away. I learnt that I am, at all times,
being guided and protected, by something that I cannot see, cannot touch,
cannot hear, yet know, deep within, is always there. And when I needed it,
whatever 'it' is, it was and will be there for me. I guess I also felt for the
first time an awareness of my 'self'. With all the ego stripped away and
nothing but rawness there, I felt for the first time in the longest of times, a
deep awareness of myself and connection to my spirit.
They say that sometimes it takes a traumatic
event to trigger a spiritual awakening. I now believe, that my dad’s passing
was the trigger for my awakening.
It’s been huge. It’s been fast. It’s been
overwhelming. It’s been amazing. It’s been scary. It’s been comforting. It’s
been challenging. It’s been exciting. It’s been completely life changing.
Am I the person I was four years ago when my dad
physically left me?
No Way!
And much of that is because of my dad.
Two weeks after dad passed away, I fell pregnant
with my baby boy. He wasn't planned. He wasn't meant to come while we were in
Brisbane with no family around. He wasn't meant to come when I was so
emotionally raw and barely coping with life. And yet, he decided it was time to
come.
He was my blessing. He is my Xavier and he
was my Saviour. My pregnancy was a welcome distraction from my grief. I was
sick and exhausted but at least it took my mind off my sadness. And then when
he arrived, I had 3 children under 3. I didn't have time to grieve! I didn't
have time to do anything bar survive the days and nights.
I did that for about 8 months and then I fell in
a heap. I didn't and couldn't get out of bed one morning. I simply couldn't
keep going on. Like many women, I guess it all caught up with me, the
exhaustion, the repressed emotions, the trying to keep it all together like
superwoman. I pulled myself together that day and battled through. Two days
later I had made an appointment with a GP, I didn't feel I needed to go - as I
had 'got over' it. My wise husband encouraged me to go. I went and it was life
changing.
I walked into the GP's room, she asked me how she
could help and I took a breath and simply said the words 'I'm not coping'. That
was all I needed - no counselling, no medication. That was the start of my
healing. In saying those words I allowed myself to be vulnerable and
in doing so, I opened the door to growing and changing in the most amazing of
ways!
In my vulnerability, I allowed myself to see that
there was something missing within me. I had lost 'me' somewhere along the way.
At the time I thought it was in having children and loosing time to focus on
myself. I now look back and realise I had lost 'me' long before I had my
children. I'm not too sure when I lost my connection to my 'self'.
I know that it was there as a child. I know
because I didn't fit in when I was a child. I had no friends at school. I was
incredibly shy. Yet I never felt alone despite not having anyone to play with
or connect with at school. I think now that was because I still had a deep
connection to my 'self' which gave me comfort and security. Somewhere after
that I lost it, somewhere my ego self, became more powerful and smothered that
beautiful soul connection I had.
It is not unusual - sadly it happens all the
time. It is part of the reason why I work with children. I want them to
nourish the connection that they have to their true self, their soul. I don't
want them to lose it, because when you have that connection, life flows - there
is more joy and less struggle, there is more peace and less anxiety, there is
more love and less fear. It is what life should be!
It took me to this point in my life, 36 years old
& 3 children, to realise I had lost my soul connection, and yet by
allowing that awareness I opened myself to finding it again. I suppose I went
looking consciously and subconsciously for what I needed to do for me. I'm not
too sure how it happened but within weeks I could not stop researching
kinesiology, I just kept coming back to it or maybe it just kept coming
back to me. And within a matter of days of discovering the course that was to
change my life, I was enrolled and sitting in class. My life changed in the craziest
and astounding way that weekend. I discovered my passion, my purpose and in
doing so rediscovered my connection to my true self.
I continue to learn on my spiritual journey. I
have learnt about the journey of the spirit through this experience called
life. That our spirit comes into life to have a human experience that teaches,
if we allow it, important lessons, that allows our spirit to expand through our
life. I have learnt about the after-life experience. And it offers comfort in
understanding death and that it is simply the end of a spirits physical life
experience. I believe that the spirit lives on in a non-physical form, and that
our connection to our loved ones remains, if we allow it. That is my belief.
That is what I have come to learn from my experiences over the last four years.
That is what resonates deeply with me.
By far the greatest gift my dad has given to me
in his passing, is in helping me to rediscover my gift of healing. I
believe it is something that was always a part of me, it had just not found the
avenue to work most effectively. Kinesiology was that avenue for me. It has
allowed me to work with hundreds of clients over the past 3 years, and my
personal spiritual growth over this time allows me to work with my clients in
the way that I do. I know that I am changing people’s lives. I know that as I
continue to learn and grow more, which is what life is all about, that I will
continue to attract the clients that I am supposed to work with, so that my
lessons, my learning's can help them in their lessons, in their learning's.
And that is the greatest gift of all for me -
what a blessing!
Thanks Blue for all you have taught me over the
last four years! Do I miss you - yeah, I miss your physical presence so much
and would love nothing more than to sit and have a beer and the craic with you
(not that I drink beer anymore - but you get the picture), but I feel you
around most days and I'm grateful for that. x
