Why Fit In When You Were Born To Stand Out?

This morning I read an extract from a book written by Wayne Dwyer and his daughter Serena, it was all about being true to yourself, listening to what is right for you and having the courage to live that way. Wayne wrote that when his daughter was growing up he would frequently remind her that all she had to do was be herself, which is a Divine creation, and what others thought of her was really none of her business. ‘You came here with YOUR own music to play and don’t die with your music still inside you.’

 

Serena wrote, ‘when we hide who we really are in order to fit in or belong, we are suffocating our souls. Our true calling may pass us by while we’re trying to make other people happy.’

really resonated with me today as I have been working with a number of children lately who are struggling with being their true self in today’s society, because their true self doesn’t conform – perhaps they are a little different. As I work with these amazing children I feel so privileged to be able to guide them in trusting themselves and that their differences are in fact a gift and what makes them so amazing. Often these children know this already – somewhere deep inside themselves. But the look in their eyes, when someone affirms for them that it is OK for them to be that person, in fact it is better than OK, it is essential – is simply heart-warming for me.  

After reading this extract from the book, I then had a conversation my sister and a friend about this exact topic. My friend is frustrated that her four year old is already so influenced by what others think and others judgments that he has meltdowns over what clothes to wear if he doesn’t feel that they were conforming to a perceived expectation of what was appropriate. My sister shared the exact opposite experience about her 5 year old, very free spirited son, who took his ‘Star of the Week’ poster to school yesterday (without her knowledge) on a scrap of old cardboard with drawings of  ‘really cool scary monsters’ on it. She said she had inwardly cringed and then laughed this morning when she saw his poster displayed alongside the other ‘Star of the Week’ posters which included photos, stickers and neat writing on ‘lovely’ pieces of cardboard. I LOVE (and I know my sister and his teacher also do), the fact that this little man already has so much strength of character and knowledge of who he is, that the thought of conforming to what everyone else had done for their poster had not even crossed his mind…..he truly is playing (& dancing) to his own music – and its often really loud!

 

 

And then this afternoon I was so saddened by something that happened when I picked up my four year old daughter from preschool, which I guess is what has prompted me to write this (as writing is quite therapeutic for me).

My daughter is gluten free and she has been for almost 2 years. She is not celiac but she experiences abdominal discomfort and bloating if she eats gluten. She knows her body and she respects it. She chooses not to eat gluten as she knows how it makes her feel. Yesterday I received a phone call from her preschool saying that there was cupcakes at preschool and they weren’t gluten free and was there something that they could give my daughter. I asked was she upset or OK with not having anything when the others were having cupcakes. I was told she was fine and not at all upset - which I knew she would be. I thought nothing more of it and I’m sure neither did my daughter as she did not mention it when she got home.  

This afternoon, I was approached by one of the teachers and asked if I could send some gluten free cupcakes to preschool so that they could freeze them so my daughter could have one on the days that there were cupcakes for birthdays. As I felt I was being told to do something that I didn’t feel was necessary, I reiterated that my daughter was not phased yesterday about not having a cupcake when everyone else did.

I am proud of my daughter. She is only four years old and yet she knows who she is and is comfortable with being herself even if that is sometime a little different – I think that is awesome. I want to encourage that. I want her to know that it is OK to be different. That you don’t have to be the same as everybody else. That in fact it is fantastic to be different – because in reality we all are different and when we are trying to fit in we are not being true to ourselves.

 

 

My parents taught me this. Growing up whenever any of us said ‘yeah but they are doing / wearing / going blah blah blah’, my mum would respond, ‘Yes, but if they jumped off the Harbour Bridge would you?’. It use to annoy me so much, but it created something within me and each of my siblings, that we didn’t have to conform and it was OK to be different. I am proud of the fact that I am a little different, probably always have been, and I am so very comfortable in my own skin! The times in my life when I felt a need to conform, I lost who I was and ended up attracting people into my life who ‘blew out my candle’, sorry I should say, who I allowed to ‘blow out my candle’!

 

 

Anyway, back to preschool and my daughter. Even though my daughter was OK with not having something that everyone else was having, I was told that she cannot NOT have something due to a legal EXCLUSION Policy. I was told that they are under a legal obligation not to exclude any child and if my daughter did not have a cupcake or muffin available then they could not allow the other children to have the birthday cupcakes. I am so saddened by this on so many levels – and it has nothing to do with food.

Yes I can send in some gluten free cupcakes for them to freeze or they could offer my daughter a ‘normal’ cupcake and she could just refuse it (as she would). Practically, it is not a big drama – I don’t do drama for the sake of it, so I am not turning this into something like that.

My sadness comes from the fact that we have mandatory policies in place about ‘Excluding’ children. My question to my daughter’s teacher was ‘But how are children going to learn any resilience if they never know what it feels like to not be the same?’. How are they going to function in life, if the belief that they are entitled to something just because everyone else has something is so deeply embedded within them? That they have to be the same - that they must conform. Life doesn’t work like that. They are not always going to have what everyone else has and how are they going to cope with that?

 

I am saddened that the integrity of my 4 year old daughter, who so confidently and courageously was true to herself yesterday, was not celebrated. That in some way her being true to herself was a problem. We need to encourage our children to be true to themselves and let them shine. We need to build their emotional and social resilience. We need to celebrate their individuality not put in place policies that force them to conform.

It’s not that I want my daughter to be excluded. It isn’t and shouldn’t be about being included or excluded. I want my daughter’s courage and confidence to be comfortable amongst her friends, without being the same as them, to be celebrated. I want her to know how proud I am of her for being so brave, so true, so amazing – I don’t want anyone to dull her spark!

 

There’s a lesson in every day – this is mine for today.....

Mark Twain once said “The two most important days in your life are the day you were born, and the day you find out why.” No one can find their ‘why’ - their purpose, by attempting to be just like everybody else. When we hide who we really are in order to fit in or belong, we are suffocating our souls. Our true calling may pass us by while we’re trying to make other people happy by being like them. And that’s not what life is about! Life is about finding your purpose and then living it.

 

And THAT is what I will continue to teach my children every day! xxxx