39 Reasons Why I Feel Grateful

On the eve of my 39th Birthday, I am feeling grateful and as a gift to myself I want to express my gratitude and share it with others, for maybe something in my gratitude will be a gift for someone else.
                


So here, in no particular order, I offer 39 reasons why I feel grateful at this moment (by the way I have no idea what is about to come out and I am going to press publish regardless!)

I am grateful for:
1. Choosing to live this life
2. Each day being more consciously aware, more of the time
3. My mum and her lesson of acceptance and resilience - regardless of what life delivers!
4. Living in a country that allows me the freedom to be me
5. Learning to accept my gifts and embrace them
6. My sisters and brother, their strength of character, their love and our shared childhood experiences
7. Feeling pure love just watching my girls swimming this afternoon
8. The sweet snuggly cuddles my little man gives me every morning
9. My childhood best friend who has grown with me through so much
10. Finally really noticing the beauty of nature every day - the clouds, the butterflies, the colour of the leaves on the trees, the smell of roses in my garden
11. My inner wisdom that spoke so strongly one day as I sat in the car at traffic light and said 'you and Luke'.....it was the most obvious thing in the world at that moment - just one I had failed to see for the previous 8 years.
12. My amazing body - its strength, its miracle in keeping me alive for 39 years
13. My imperfections for teaching me love and acceptance of myself
14. Learning to be calm and at peace even in the midst of daily chaos
15. My dad for showing me how to laugh and enjoy life
16. My husband for going to work and working so hard every day, allowing me to live my purpose without financial pressure
17. The softness my Lucia teaches me through her gentle nurturing of others
18. My mum giving of herself and her home to us for the last 18 months
19. The fun and freedom of my Uni days and that I survived unscathed!
20. The extraordinary friendships I made while I was at Uni and curiously exploring life for the first time
21. Dr Bielby, Integrated Doctor, who possibly saved my life last year
22. My courage to be who I am, even if it is different!
23. Listening to, and acting on my intuition in deciding to study Kinesiology, even though I didn't really know what it was
24. Finding a boyfriend in bed with another girl, which taught me self-respect, confidence and integrity
25. My Koko choosing me to be her mother, and allowing me to make so many mistakes as her mother and yet still loving and accepting me for who I am
26. The honour of helping deliver my best friends baby boy and experiencing the magic of birth
27. Those who have trusted me to help them heal, learn and grow in this life
28. The friendships I have nurtured and those that I have let go over the years
29. Being given the opportunity to be educated and the freedom to discern what information I choose to accept and reject
30. Our dream home slowly becoming a reality - and accepting that it will be finished, when it is suppose to be finished
31. Learning to let go of control and allowing myself to be vulnerable
32.Allowing myself to be OK with not knowing what is happening next and being excited by that
33.Sharing in other people's grief in loosing children so that I can learn, through them, acceptance and gratitude for all that is in this moment
34. My daily coffee
35. The amazing healing ability of my body
36. My dad passing away so that I could learn so many important and fundamental spiritual lessons
37. My mum and dad instilling in me a strength of character and courage, which I rely on every day of my life
38. Sharing my life and nurturing my children, with my best friend and my rock
39. Consciously choosing to learn the lessons, that I sought to learn in this life, with ease and grace


I am a strong believer that all I experience contributes to my spiritual growth if I allow it, and therefore for all I have experienced in this life, I am grateful.

Four Years On....What I Have Learnt From My Dad Since He Passed Away

Today it is four years since my dad passed away.

I can't believe he has been gone for so long. For anyone who has lost a loved one, you will understand that feeling of incomprehension that they are no longer physically with you. In those early days, it is something you cannot allow yourself to comprehend, let alone accept as real, as final.

 But since my dad has been gone, he has taught me so much. I know that sounds strange, and for a while, I didn't acknowledge it, but now I know and courageously share, that in my dad's passing from this life, he has taught me so many powerful lessons.

On the morning my dad passed away, I was surrounded by a strange sense of calm and an inner peace that I had not experienced before. In the days leading up to dads passing I had been anything but calm. Three nights before, someone had broken into our house at 3am and stolen the car keys, wallet and phone and we awoke to hear the car being driven out the driveway. Having my sense of safety and security eroded in one moment, I did not slept more than a couple of hours for the next 3 days.

However, the night before dad passed away, I finally allowed myself to sleep and awoke feeling so much calmer. I was also battling a persistent throat infection that had been hanging around for 3 weeks. It was so unlike me to get unwell and I had taken antibiotics (yuk) and yet it would not go away (not surprisingly!). These days I would know my throat chakra was out of balance and quickly identify what was causing it to be out of balance and correct it, thereby allowing it to start healing itself. I would ask 'what was I not saying that I needed to say?'. That is the question I now always ask when someone complains of throat issues as the throat chakra relates to communication. However, back then, I was in a very different place in awareness of my physical body and the powerful link between emotion and physical health.

In retrospect, I have considered all the things that I may have needed to say to my dad that I had not said, as my throat infection cleared within 2 days of dads passing. Yet I have resolved that I had said all I needed to say to my dad before he passed. I saw him for the last time, 6 days before he passed away. We were heading to the airport to go back home to Brisbane after a visit to celebrate my baby girls 1st birthday. I remember I took my big girl, who had not long turned 3, into dad’s bedroom to say goodbye. He was lying down having a rest after being to our next door neighbour’s funeral. As my daughter leaned over and kissed her Pa goodbye I said to her 'when you love someone you tell them, ' and she said 'love you Pa' as she kissed him. I leaned over and kissed my dad goodbye and said 'Love you Blue (my affectionate name for him)'. They were my last words to him.

On that morning four years ago, despite the throat infection and the break-in, I was strangely calm. And while my hubby played golf, I calmly got my girls and I ready for the day and I walked them in the double pram up to the church in the village where we were living. My baby girl fell asleep in the pram and slept the whole way through Mass while I cuddled my big girl and felt nothing but a deep love and a sense of inner peace. We left church and I felt so chilled and relaxed and at ease with life, I even let my big girl run ahead instead of sitting in the pram - which I never normally did!

As we strolled down the hill into the village to our favourite café, I wondered what time my hubby would be finished golf and perhaps he could meet us. I knew he was playing on the other side of Brisbane, but thought it would be lovely to share this special morning with him. As I grabbed my phone from my bag, I saw I had numerous missed calls from my hubby and my brother in law. It was in that moment that my life froze and was never to be the same again. I grabbed hold of the handrail beside me and rang my husband.

He answered and said 'Where are you?' I answered 'It's Blue isn't it?' He didn't answer and just said 'Where are you?'

 He didn't need to answer, I knew. It was the phone call I had always known was coming, was always expecting - and yet the reality of it was beyond shocking. I was in shock.

I now look back at that morning and that moment and know I was being protected by something or someone - call it a Guardian Angel or a Guide, I just know it all happened the way it did for a reason. My husband was literally 100m around the corner when I rang him and by the time the realisation of what was going on had hit me, I could see him in the car. In a blur I made my way to him, making sure my baby girls were safe and then I fell to the ground in pain and in disbelief and shock. If my darling husband had not been there at that moment, then I simply don't know what I would have done. But he was there, in the same way that  I was surrounded by calm and infused with inner peace on that morning. I was protected by something greater than me. And I needed to be, because in that moment, all surface stuff, all ego, all conscious self is abandoned and all you have is pure and raw - raw emotion, exposed and vulnerable. Nothing else matters. A stolen car, a sore throat, a messy house, sleepless nights, unfolded washing, dirty floors....nothing matters but the emotions you are feeling more intensely than ever before, or ever again.

Maybe that was the beginning of the first lesson that my dad taught me since passing away. I learnt that I am, at all times, being guided and protected, by something that I cannot see, cannot touch, cannot hear, yet know, deep within, is always there. And when I needed it, whatever 'it' is, it was and will be there for me. I guess I also felt for the first time an awareness of my 'self'. With all the ego stripped away and nothing but rawness there, I felt for the first time in the longest of times, a deep awareness of myself and connection to my spirit.

They say that sometimes it takes a traumatic event to trigger a spiritual awakening. I now believe, that my dad’s passing was the trigger for my awakening.

It’s been huge. It’s been fast. It’s been overwhelming. It’s been amazing. It’s been scary. It’s been comforting. It’s been challenging. It’s been exciting. It’s been completely life changing.

Am I the person I was four years ago when my dad physically left me?

No Way!

And much of that is because of my dad.

Two weeks after dad passed away, I fell pregnant with my baby boy. He wasn't planned. He wasn't meant to come while we were in Brisbane with no family around. He wasn't meant to come when I was so emotionally raw and barely coping with life. And yet, he decided it was time to come.

He was my blessing. He is my Xavier and he was my Saviour. My pregnancy was a welcome distraction from my grief. I was sick and exhausted but at least it took my mind off my sadness. And then when he arrived, I had 3 children under 3. I didn't have time to grieve! I didn't have time to do anything bar survive the days and nights.

I did that for about 8 months and then I fell in a heap. I didn't and couldn't get out of bed one morning. I simply couldn't keep going on. Like many women, I guess it all caught up with me, the exhaustion, the repressed emotions, the trying to keep it all together like superwoman. I pulled myself together that day and battled through. Two days later I had made an appointment with a GP, I didn't feel I needed to go - as I had 'got over' it. My wise husband encouraged me to go. I went and it was life changing.

I walked into the GP's room, she asked me how she could help and I took a breath and simply said the words 'I'm not coping'. That was all I needed - no counselling, no medication. That was the start of my healing. In saying those words I allowed myself to be vulnerable and in doing so, I opened the door to growing and changing in the most amazing of ways!

In my vulnerability, I allowed myself to see that there was something missing within me. I had lost 'me' somewhere along the way. At the time I thought it was in having children and loosing time to focus on myself. I now look back and realise I had lost 'me' long before I had my children. I'm not too sure when I lost my connection to my 'self'.

I know that it was there as a child. I know because I didn't fit in when I was a child. I had no friends at school. I was incredibly shy. Yet I never felt alone despite not having anyone to play with or connect with at school. I think now that was because I still had a deep connection to my 'self' which gave me comfort and security. Somewhere after that I lost it, somewhere my ego self, became more powerful and smothered that beautiful soul connection I had.

It is not unusual - sadly it happens all the time. It is part of the reason why I work with children. I want them to nourish the connection that they have to their true self, their soul. I don't want them to lose it, because when you have that connection, life flows - there is more joy and less struggle, there is more peace and less anxiety, there is more love and less fear. It is what life should be!

It took me to this point in my life, 36 years old & 3 children, to realise I had lost my soul connection, and yet by allowing that awareness I opened myself to finding it again. I suppose I went looking consciously and subconsciously for what I needed to do for me. I'm not too sure how it happened but within weeks I could not stop researching kinesiology, I just kept coming back to it or maybe it just kept coming back to me. And within a matter of days of discovering the course that was to change my life, I was enrolled and sitting in class. My life changed in the craziest and astounding way that weekend. I discovered my passion, my purpose and in doing so rediscovered my connection to my true self.

I continue to learn on my spiritual journey. I have learnt about the journey of the spirit through this experience called life. That our spirit comes into life to have a human experience that teaches, if we allow it, important lessons, that allows our spirit to expand through our life. I have learnt about the after-life experience. And it offers comfort in understanding death and that it is simply the end of a spirits physical life experience. I believe that the spirit lives on in a non-physical form, and that our connection to our loved ones remains, if we allow it. That is my belief. That is what I have come to learn from my experiences over the last four years. That is what resonates deeply with me.

By far the greatest gift my dad has given to me in his passing, is in helping me to rediscover my gift of healing. I believe it is something that was always a part of me, it had just not found the avenue to work most effectively. Kinesiology was that avenue for me. It has allowed me to work with hundreds of clients over the past 3 years, and my personal spiritual growth over this time allows me to work with my clients in the way that I do. I know that I am changing people’s lives. I know that as I continue to learn and grow more, which is what life is all about, that I will continue to attract the clients that I am supposed to work with, so that my lessons, my learning's can help them in their lessons, in their learning's.

And that is the greatest gift of all for me - what a blessing!

Thanks Blue for all you have taught me over the last four years! Do I miss you - yeah, I miss your physical presence so much and would love nothing more than to sit and have a beer and the craic with you (not that I drink beer anymore - but you get the picture), but I feel you around most days and I'm grateful for that. x

Bone Broth

I mentioned on my FB page that last weekend we, myself and my little man in particular, were doing a lot of healing. I posted a photo of my staples for the weekend, which included chicken bone broth.

 

My Healing Staples

                  

I have had quite a few people ask me this week about bone broth, its healing benefits and how I make it. Given we are in the middle of winter and there are so many yuk bugs hanging around and hitting families hard, I thought it might be helpful to share my knowledge of bone broth.

 

I'll start by saying that bone broth is nothing new, and definitely nothing fancy! It is just another of those great nutritional traditions that were part of our grandparents everyday diet, that has simply got lost along the way.

 

What Is Bone Broth?

 

Well essentially it is stock. But somewhere along the way we stopped making our own stock and started buying it in cartons or cubes, along with a whole heap of unwanted preservatives, additives and colouring! It is all the nutritional goodness from bones (beef, chicken, lamb, fish) extracted through a slow and gently cooking process.

 

Why Drink Bone Broth?

 

Although I have indicated that it is great to drink bone broth when unwell as it helps to boost the bodies natural healing abilities. It is also extremely beneficial to the body to drink bone broth even when well. The reason is that bone broth is so nutritionally rich and healing that it will enhance vitality when well and be helping the body to heal (which is occurring at all times - not just when we feel sick!).

 

So to put it as simply as possible, the reason bone broth is so good for our bodies, is because the bones, the marrow and the cartilage attached to the bones are all made from collagen, which is a protein molecule that contains the amino acids, Proline and Glycine.  Proline and Glycine are essential for connective tissue function, which is the biological glue that holds our bodies together. Without them we would literally fall apart. These two amino acids are essential for healing microscopic wounds throughout the body and they also suppress inflammatory activity. This is especially important for individuals with chronic inflammation or auto-immune conditions.

 

Proline and Glycine have been found to be extremely beneficial in healing the lining of the gastrointestinal (GI) tract (stomach, small intestine and large intestine). The integrity of the lining of the gastrointestinal tract is vital for a healthy body. If the gastrointestinal tract lining is damaged then the balance of good and bad bacteria within the GI system becomes compromised, which significantly impacts on the immune system and its ability to function optimally.

 

Bone broth is filled with nutrients so not only are you getting your gut repaired, you are increasing your nutrition intake in a very absorbable form.  Bone broth is nutrient rich with valuable nutrients including collagen, gelatin, hyaluronic acid, chondroitin sulfate, glycosamino glycans, proline, glycine, calcium, phosphorus, magnesium and potassium. These all help with the development of healthy joints, bones, ligaments and tendons as well as hair and skin. These nutrients are considered beauty foods because they help the body with proper structural alignment and beautiful skin and hair. Rather than buying expensive skin care and hair products and mineral supplements to help with aching joints, just make bone broth and a part of your regular diet - it's an awful lot cheaper and completely natural!

Therefore, the healing ability of bone broth on the lining of the GI tract is of vital importance to the overall ability of the immune system to function and therefore the body to heal from any illness or ill-health. Bone broth nutritionally helps to calm an overactive immune system while also supplying the body with raw materials to rebuild stronger and healthier cells. This is why it is such a great healing food to have when the body is encountering stress from bacterial or viral infections as well as digestive disorders and leaky gut syndrome.

The gut is readily able to absorb the amazing nutrients found within bone broth. Even the most damaged gut will be able to absorb the nutrients and so this is a very important food for children, people suffering from impaired gut function after illness, surgery, chemo, radiation, the elderly and anyone suffering from a digestive upset.  

 

It is so important to have these nutrients going into our bodies regularly.

 

So..... How Do You Make It?

 

You can make broth / stock with chicken, beef, lamb, fish - whatever bones really. I tend to stick with chicken stock as its flavour is more subtle and to be honest I can't stand the smell of beef bones boiling!

 

Because we are drawing nutrients out of the bones of these animals - it is highly recommended that you use organic bones. We are doing this process to put amazing nutrients into our bodies - not heavy metals and other toxins that have been absorbed by the animal whose bones we are using.

 

Organic = $$$'s I hear you cry!

 

Yep, I get it, buying organic can be expensive, but I've found that's not the case when making bone broth. Yeah sure an organic chicken is going to set you back $20-$30, however I have found a number of organic produce retailers are selling whole organic chicken carcases for around $3 each. While there is only a scrapping of meat on them, its not the meat we are after - its great quality nutritionally rich, toxin free bones and that's what you are going to get!

 

Chicken Stock

I put one or two carcasses in my slow cooker and pour just enough filtered water to cover them. I then put in about 2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar as it helps to breakdown the bone and extract the nutrients more quickly.

 

Chicken Bones

Next, I place a few chopped up veggies into the slow cooker with the carcase - maybe a carrot, some celery, an onion, a pinch of sea salt. If you want to add extra flavour add some herbs egs. parsley, bay leaf, thyme.

 

I put the slow cooker on low and let it cook for 12-24 hours. The longer you leave it to cook the more gelatinous your stock will be as more nutrients will be extracted.

 

Simply strain the broth into a glass jar and store in the fridge (for up to a week). 

The Finished Product!

 

Typically the broth will end up with a rich layer of fat on top of it - don't discard this. It is also extremely nutritious and is a good sign that its good quality stock / broth!

 

It Doesn't Look So Pretty....But That Layer of Fat Is Full of Healing Goodness!

 

 

You can then use your bone broth as stock in soups, risotto, casseroles etc. Or, as we do, simply heat it up (not in a microwave - you will kill all those lovely nutrients with radiation) and drink it by the cupful.

 

If you haven't used broth before as a healing remedy, I recommend you start by drinking only small amounts as it is very nutritionally rich and healing. If there is an imbalance in the bacteria in your gut, it will start to restore balance by 'killing off'  the bad bacteria - this isn't always pretty and may include diahorrea and stomach aches - but rest assured it is your bodies way of restoring balance and healing your gut! Short term pain for the longer term gain!

 

* I typically keep my broth in the fridge for up to a week - I tend to have used it all by then anyway! You can also freeze it and keep it in the freezer for months.

 

I hope you are keen to give it a go. I would love to hear how you go!

Why Fit In When You Were Born To Stand Out?

This morning I read an extract from a book written by Wayne Dwyer and his daughter Serena, it was all about being true to yourself, listening to what is right for you and having the courage to live that way. Wayne wrote that when his daughter was growing up he would frequently remind her that all she had to do was be herself, which is a Divine creation, and what others thought of her was really none of her business. ‘You came here with YOUR own music to play and don’t die with your music still inside you.’

 

Serena wrote, ‘when we hide who we really are in order to fit in or belong, we are suffocating our souls. Our true calling may pass us by while we’re trying to make other people happy.’

really resonated with me today as I have been working with a number of children lately who are struggling with being their true self in today’s society, because their true self doesn’t conform – perhaps they are a little different. As I work with these amazing children I feel so privileged to be able to guide them in trusting themselves and that their differences are in fact a gift and what makes them so amazing. Often these children know this already – somewhere deep inside themselves. But the look in their eyes, when someone affirms for them that it is OK for them to be that person, in fact it is better than OK, it is essential – is simply heart-warming for me.  

After reading this extract from the book, I then had a conversation my sister and a friend about this exact topic. My friend is frustrated that her four year old is already so influenced by what others think and others judgments that he has meltdowns over what clothes to wear if he doesn’t feel that they were conforming to a perceived expectation of what was appropriate. My sister shared the exact opposite experience about her 5 year old, very free spirited son, who took his ‘Star of the Week’ poster to school yesterday (without her knowledge) on a scrap of old cardboard with drawings of  ‘really cool scary monsters’ on it. She said she had inwardly cringed and then laughed this morning when she saw his poster displayed alongside the other ‘Star of the Week’ posters which included photos, stickers and neat writing on ‘lovely’ pieces of cardboard. I LOVE (and I know my sister and his teacher also do), the fact that this little man already has so much strength of character and knowledge of who he is, that the thought of conforming to what everyone else had done for their poster had not even crossed his mind…..he truly is playing (& dancing) to his own music – and its often really loud!

 

 

And then this afternoon I was so saddened by something that happened when I picked up my four year old daughter from preschool, which I guess is what has prompted me to write this (as writing is quite therapeutic for me).

My daughter is gluten free and she has been for almost 2 years. She is not celiac but she experiences abdominal discomfort and bloating if she eats gluten. She knows her body and she respects it. She chooses not to eat gluten as she knows how it makes her feel. Yesterday I received a phone call from her preschool saying that there was cupcakes at preschool and they weren’t gluten free and was there something that they could give my daughter. I asked was she upset or OK with not having anything when the others were having cupcakes. I was told she was fine and not at all upset - which I knew she would be. I thought nothing more of it and I’m sure neither did my daughter as she did not mention it when she got home.  

This afternoon, I was approached by one of the teachers and asked if I could send some gluten free cupcakes to preschool so that they could freeze them so my daughter could have one on the days that there were cupcakes for birthdays. As I felt I was being told to do something that I didn’t feel was necessary, I reiterated that my daughter was not phased yesterday about not having a cupcake when everyone else did.

I am proud of my daughter. She is only four years old and yet she knows who she is and is comfortable with being herself even if that is sometime a little different – I think that is awesome. I want to encourage that. I want her to know that it is OK to be different. That you don’t have to be the same as everybody else. That in fact it is fantastic to be different – because in reality we all are different and when we are trying to fit in we are not being true to ourselves.

 

 

My parents taught me this. Growing up whenever any of us said ‘yeah but they are doing / wearing / going blah blah blah’, my mum would respond, ‘Yes, but if they jumped off the Harbour Bridge would you?’. It use to annoy me so much, but it created something within me and each of my siblings, that we didn’t have to conform and it was OK to be different. I am proud of the fact that I am a little different, probably always have been, and I am so very comfortable in my own skin! The times in my life when I felt a need to conform, I lost who I was and ended up attracting people into my life who ‘blew out my candle’, sorry I should say, who I allowed to ‘blow out my candle’!

 

 

Anyway, back to preschool and my daughter. Even though my daughter was OK with not having something that everyone else was having, I was told that she cannot NOT have something due to a legal EXCLUSION Policy. I was told that they are under a legal obligation not to exclude any child and if my daughter did not have a cupcake or muffin available then they could not allow the other children to have the birthday cupcakes. I am so saddened by this on so many levels – and it has nothing to do with food.

Yes I can send in some gluten free cupcakes for them to freeze or they could offer my daughter a ‘normal’ cupcake and she could just refuse it (as she would). Practically, it is not a big drama – I don’t do drama for the sake of it, so I am not turning this into something like that.

My sadness comes from the fact that we have mandatory policies in place about ‘Excluding’ children. My question to my daughter’s teacher was ‘But how are children going to learn any resilience if they never know what it feels like to not be the same?’. How are they going to function in life, if the belief that they are entitled to something just because everyone else has something is so deeply embedded within them? That they have to be the same - that they must conform. Life doesn’t work like that. They are not always going to have what everyone else has and how are they going to cope with that?

 

I am saddened that the integrity of my 4 year old daughter, who so confidently and courageously was true to herself yesterday, was not celebrated. That in some way her being true to herself was a problem. We need to encourage our children to be true to themselves and let them shine. We need to build their emotional and social resilience. We need to celebrate their individuality not put in place policies that force them to conform.

It’s not that I want my daughter to be excluded. It isn’t and shouldn’t be about being included or excluded. I want my daughter’s courage and confidence to be comfortable amongst her friends, without being the same as them, to be celebrated. I want her to know how proud I am of her for being so brave, so true, so amazing – I don’t want anyone to dull her spark!

 

There’s a lesson in every day – this is mine for today.....

Mark Twain once said “The two most important days in your life are the day you were born, and the day you find out why.” No one can find their ‘why’ - their purpose, by attempting to be just like everybody else. When we hide who we really are in order to fit in or belong, we are suffocating our souls. Our true calling may pass us by while we’re trying to make other people happy by being like them. And that’s not what life is about! Life is about finding your purpose and then living it.

 

And THAT is what I will continue to teach my children every day! xxxx

Your Body Talks....Sometimes It Screams - Are You Listening?

My original business name was Your Body Talks. I ended up changing it to Your Body Kinesiology, as I considered that the body - your body - does so much more than just talk.

Your Body Heals. Your Body Grows. Your Body Shines. Your Body Knows. Your body does know what it needs to heal, to grow, to shine - but first, it must talk to you. To let you know when there is something going on, when there is something not right, when there is something out of balance.

Your Body Talks. Sometimes it’s a whisper, sometimes it’s a little louder. Sometimes you hear, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you take notice, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you act, sometimes you don’t.

Sometimes your body screams.

‘Why aren’t you listening?

Why aren’t you taking notice?

Why aren’t you doing something?’

This time last year, my body screamed.

This time last year, I lay in a hospital bed, attached to a heart rate monitor that alarmed incessantly as my heart contracted erratically for hours on end, shaking the bed and my emancipated 45kg frame. In those moments I did the only thing I could do – I prayed.

I prayed to God that I would not die. I prayed that this was not it. I was not ready. I prayed that I would not leave my babies, my Love, my family, my friends.

My Babies – they needed me!

This was not meant to be my story. This was not meant to be their story. I was a fit, healthy and happy 37 year old mother of three little ones – my 5 year old ‘big girl’, my 3 year old ‘baby girl’ and my 1 year old baby boy – my buddy. I knew health and wellbeing, I promoted health and wellbeing to my clients, my family, my friends and I practiced what I preached!

This can’t - this shouldn’t be happening to me!

But it was. 

And in my vulnerability – paralysed by fear and lacking any control of that moment or the next, I had complete clarity and a bizarre sense of calm.

I knew I had to listen. I knew I could not stick my head in the sand any longer. I just knew that there was more to this than me lying on a hospital bed. It was one week before we were to move from Brisbane back to Newcastle.  I was moving back ‘home’ for the first time in 19 years.  It was a significant juncture in my life and I realised that there was a lesson I had to learn before I went ‘home’. A lesson I had failed to learn for too long – and now it was time.

I am eternally grateful that my body screamed at me that day and forced me to hear and to act. If it had not then I might not be here, or maybe the next time it could have been worse – my body would have had to scream a little louder – what that would have looked like, I need not imagine, because I learnt my lesson and I am now a different person because of it.

 

What Was My Lesson? Well There Were So Many!

5 days in hospital for a person who struggles with the concept of, let alone the reality of, the western medical model was confronting to say the least. Being told I was talking ‘Voodoo’ by my assigned Cardiologist when I asked about whether my magnesium levels could be related to the ‘atrial fibrillation’ that I had inaccurately been diagnosed, was infuriating. Never mind the look of disgust on his face before he turned his back to me and walked from the room without answering when I asked about a possible link between a specific gut bacteria (given my significant digestive issues in the months preceding this event) and atrial fibrillation.

Then there was the moment when I was pushed in a wheelchair, in nothing but a hospital gown, to have an echocardiogram in an outpatient area of the hospital. I was left sitting in the waiting room for an hour surrounded by ‘members of the public’, feeling physically and emotionally exposed and completely disempowered.

Did they not know I rarely left the house without make up on – let alone…umm…shoes & clothes!

 

Maybe this was part of the lesson (and yes, I have only realised this while typing this), that by being so disempowered I was being forced to let go of control. I was not in control and I had to learn to be OK with that.

 

Delayed awareness – it’s taken a year to come to see that one – but it’s come none the less!

And then there were my babies. My babies had to see their mummy with wires all over her lying in a hospital bed. They didn’t understand – well not really. ‘Mummy ick’ said my little man repeatedly for those days I was away from him. My big girl, well she seemed unfazed and more interested in what was on my dinner tray, but I know my girl, and I saw the look in her eyes that first day when she walked towards me lying on that bed with alarms blaring. They searched the scene, taking it all in, trying to process it, trying to understand it and when they connected with mine – all I saw was fear. And all I felt was pure love for her and her vulnerability.

And then my Love. He juggled three small children, organised a house for removalists, and the last week in his job as well as being my emotional support, my belief that it would all be ok, my calm, my strength – he was then, as he always has been, and always will be - my medicine!

He makes it all better.

 

 Me and My Love at a wedding, two weeks after I was in hospital.
 I'm holding on tight, because I was still feeling very vulnerable!

 

And then there was my friends. Some opened their doors to my children, one took a day off work to look after my children, some rearranged their schedule to fit me in for kinesiology and chiropractic treatments, many expressed their love and
In hospital I learnt a number of lessons:

• I learnt patience and respect.
• I learnt to pray in a way so different to how I had been ‘taught’ to pray as a child.
• I learnt gratitude – for my life, my health, my little family, my family and friends.
• I learnt that it was OK to 'lean' on my friends when I was in need - to those who opened their doors to my children, took time off work to look after my children, who rearranged their schedules for to fit me in for kinesiology and chiropractic treatments  and who shared their love and support during that crazy week - I am so grateful.

What Was Going On With My Body?

Well it’s complicated, as often these things are. Most of it I didn’t figure out in hospital, it took about 3 months before I had a clear picture of what was really going on in my body.

But, if I had taken notice months earlier, then things would not have ended up where they did. But I didn’t listen to the warning signs and kept doing my thing – DOING being the operative word. I kept doing the mum thing, kept doing the wife thing, kept doing the housework thing, kept doing the Kinesiology thing, kept doing the friend thing, kept doing the exercise thing, kept Doing! Doing! Doing!

And when I did, I did it perfectly, because that was my way of staying in control. And I needed to feel in control at that point as I obviously felt so out of control in other aspects of my life. The job application process for my husband’s new role was long and drawn out over a 4 month period. I felt I had no control over my future, I didn’t know where I was going to be living in one month, two months, six months’ time and so I tried to control what I could. In doing so I ran myself into the ground.

My adrenals were in a chronic state of stress. I experienced two bouts of aggressive gastro which were probably attributed to a parasite, stress and a damaged digestive system. As a result, my weight plummeted to 45kg, no matter what I ate my body failed to absorb many nutrients and this in turn had detrimental effects on the balance of my thyroid. 

I had removed gluten, grains, refined sugars and dairy from my diet in an attempt to heal my digestive system about two months before I ended up in hospital. However, on the days prior to landing in hospital I had casually introduced small amounts of gluten into my diet as we had a number of farewell dinners and lunches. I did not believe at that time that I was sensitive to gluten and had simply removed it from my diet to help heal my digestive system. It should not have been a problem to eat it in small amounts. Or so I thought.

Through removing gluten from my diet, my body had become more sensitive to it and therefore re-introducing it triggered a dramatic response in the form of heart arrhythmias. There is much evidence highlighting the link between gluten and cardiac arrhythmias. All this is good in hindsight! The night I went to hospital I had been at dinner with some girlfriends and probably had a small amount of gluten in some dumplings and fried zucchini flowers! Not much, but enough to trigger a few arrhythmias when I went to bed that night. These were something I had never experienced before, so I was fairly alarmed when I felt a flittering in my chest.

My dad passed away 3 years ago of a sudden massive heart attack. He had a long history of cardiovascular disease and there was a strong genetic link in his side of my family. Needless to say, when my heart started acting abnormally, I was alarmed and knew I couldn’t mess around.

Bingo! My Body Finally Got My Attention!

The irony was not lost on me that I ended up in hospital attached to a heart rate monitor. I gave my dad so much grief for years about what he should and shouldn’t do, should and shouldn’t eat, should and shouldn’t drink to look after his heart.

My dad and my 'big girl' 2 months before he passed away.

I thought I knew better than him! I had all the health knowledge – hey I’d studied cardiovascular physiology, I had worked in cardiac rehab programs – I knew ‘stuff’ and I was not backwards in telling my dad that ‘stuff’. And yes, it came from a place of love, but it was not delivered with respect.

And here I was 37 years old in hospital with a ‘dysfunctioning’ heart…….hmmm – yep – might be a lesson in that one! I think it comes under the heading RESPECT!

Respect for other people’s lives, other people’s choices, other people’s journeys – they have their lessons to learn and I must respect that.

Lesson Learnt!

But There Was More To Learn……

The first morning I was in hospital, delirious from no sleep and stress, I unwittingly ate a piece of toast (containing gluten). Within 30 minutes, the arrhythmias which had barely been detectable since I had been in the hospital, suddenly started, at first one or two, but quickly becoming 10-20 beats combined. This went on for hours and hours. I will never forget opening my eyes to see two nurses standing at the end of my bed just monitoring me, because the monitor would not stop alarming. It was at this point, when I could feel my whole body and the bed vibrate with the force of these arrhythmias that I truly feared I was dying. I didn’t know what was happening.

I had to let go and put my trust in something – something bigger than me – call it God, call it the Universe, call it whatever you want. But I knew that there was nothing I could do but pray and trust that it would be OK. And you know what – it was.

 

Another Lesson Learnt!

I have a strong belief that the body has an innate healing capability. It is what I do as a Kinesiologist. I realign people’s energy so that their body is able to function optimally and therefore heal itself – it is what it is designed to do, it is what it wants to do. Knowing this and experiencing this for yourself is a very different thing.

When I was discharged from hospital I was physically and emotionally so fragile and vulnerable. 3 days later we flew back to NSW and as planned we moved in with my mum until tenants moved out of our house. I literally moved ‘home’ and back into my mum’s nurturing nest. She helped me look after my babies so that I could focus on little more than looking after myself and getting myself well again. For 6 weeks I did just that. I stopped. I listened to my body. I responded to my body. I played with my babies. I simply let myself enjoy the bare basics, yet most beautiful aspects of life.

My best friend is a Chiropractor and she is an amazing healer. She is so holistic in her approach to the body. I saw her for treatments weekly from the time I moved home. First we worked on healing my digestive system, then on balancing my thyroid and re-establishing essential metabolic pathways. She helped me physically, mentally and emotionally. I strictly followed the program of supplements that she prescribed. We modified it weekly as my body realigned itself and started to heal. Combined with my strict diet, which was gluten free, dairy free, grain free and refined sugar free and included a lot of bone broths, I became well. I had no digestive discomfort or upsets, I had put on 8kg in about 3 months, I had an abundance of energy, I was running again, I was no longer experiencing arrhythmias and I was no longer scared. I felt normal again.

I had experienced for myself the amazing ability of the body to heal. And I admit I was in awe of my body and forever grateful to my amazing friend for her love, support, belief in me and her special healing gift.

Another Lesson Learnt!

And Yet There Was More….

While I was in hospital, I made an appointment to see an Integrated medical doctor in Sydney. I knew of the work that he did and the results that he had with a couple of friends, and instinct told me that I needed to see him. I had to wait 3 months, and by the time I saw him in August, I was ‘well’, compared to where I had been. I still had a niggling pain in my sternum and my period, which had stopped in February, had not returned and therefore I trusted that there was value in seeing him.

I learnt through this experience to never doubt my intuition.

This doctor discovered that the immunity around my heart was still significantly compromised, secondary to compromised production of certain white blood cells in my bone marrow.  As a result of this compromised immunity around my heart, there was a bacterial infection in my heart. When he told me (in a very undramatic matter of fact manner) that this bacteria has been identified in the autopsies of 75% of ‘young’ people who die suddenly of heart attacks, I was once again filled with absolute fear. Did that mean I could have a heart attack at any moment? He was very calm and simply recommended that I didn’t do too much running for a while and that our priority was to get rid of this bacteria from my heart.

He continued his investigations and identified x10 normal levels of arsenic throughout my body – my heart, my brain, my spleen, my kidneys, my stomach and it was in my bone marrow, hence the compromised immunity levels in my heart and other areas of my body. I admit, I joked that my hubby must have poisoned me when he told me my body was riddled with arsenic. He didn’t laugh, at that point, my brain had not processed the whole picture and the potential severity of the situation.

How did my body become poisoned by arsenic? I guess I will never really know but I have my ideas. Certain foods have high levels of arsenic. It is used as a pesticide in a lot of countries, Australia included. For example, Chinese garlic (as found most minced garlic) has really high arsenic levels and really should be avoided. I had been eating jar loads of this rubbish in my bone broths, in my ‘healthy keep cold and flu away tonic’ and in most meals I cooked. I thought I was doing the right thing – garlic has awesome healing properties – as long as it is not laced with arsenic.  I won’t list everything, but if you are curious, google arsenic in foods and you will be mortified at what you find. In addition there is arsenic in our environment, remnants of it in the soil that we live on, play with and grow our food in.

The gratitude I felt for this doctor as I left his building, with my bacteria and arsenic detox programs safely in my handbag, was overwhelming. I truly believed he may have saved my life. If none of this had been identified, it would have flared up at some other time, in some other way and again I dare not think what that may have looked like.

My body quickly responded to my detox program and the bacterial infection disappeared, the arsenic levels reduced from x10 - x3 normal level in a 3 month period and my period returned within 4 days of my second consultation with him, when he started to detox my pituitary gland!

 

Was There A Lesson In All That For Me? Sure!

 

1.       trust my intuition and act on it

2.       remain grateful for each day and what it brings

3.       DON’T eat Chinese garlic (among other things!)



Me with my babies one month ago before I
did my 10km run.

And so, 12 months on here I am.

I am well. I am happy. I am calm. I am loving my life. I am connected to me. I am connected to those I love. I am a great Kinesiologist. I am successfully growing my business. I am flowing with my life. I am still growing. I am still learning.
 

 Isn’t That What This Thing Called Life Is All About?

It’s about learning lessons and growing from, and with, those lessons. It is not always easy and sometimes we slip backwards into our old ways – but that’s ok. Once the lesson is learnt, it is never forgotten and the awareness that we have because of that lesson, means that next time, we will catch ourselves earlier, before we come crashing down.

Crashing down isn’t fun….but gee it’s enlightening!

 

 

 

Here’s What I Learnt In the last 12 months! (in no order – just as it flows from my head and heart)

I learnt to be grateful for today, tomorrow and yesterday.

I learnt to be grateful for all that I have.

I learnt a love so deep for my babies.

I learnt about the body and its innate healing ability.

I learnt to nourish my body.

I learnt to heal from love not fear.

I learnt to find joy in my life.

I learnt that joy comes from within not from external ‘things’.

I learnt to nurture myself.

I learnt that tomorrow is never guaranteed.

I learnt to breathe & the power of breathing.

I learnt to let go.

I learnt to stop.

I learnt to be.

I learnt to do less and be more.

I learnt that connecting with my babies is more important than the washing.

I learnt that my husband is my soul mate and his love, belief and support in me is my medicine.

I learnt that the body is beautifully complex in its physiology and yet magically simple in its healing ability.

I learnt to love and respect my body.

I learnt that there is more to this life than the here and now.

I learnt to listen to and act on my intuition.

I learnt that life is about our connection to others not about doing stuff.

I learnt that mind chatter distracts from heart whispers.

I learnt that it’s OK - in fact it’s AMAZING to be vulnerable.

I learnt that we are all different in our beliefs about healing and there is value in all.

I learnt that hospital is a place I don’t ever want to be again.

I learnt to trust in God; the Universe (whatever you want to call it) cause really – I’m not calling the shots!

I learnt to pray – I mean really pray!

I learnt to be brave.

I learnt to never underestimate a child’s resilience and innate knowing.

I learnt to listen to my children with different ears as they often have the answer.

I learnt to listen to my body – to the whispers rather than waiting for the screams.

I learnt that it is OK to make mistakes - because there are no mistakes, they are all just lessons.

I learnt to see, hear, feel, touch & smell just a little more than before.

I learnt to love me wholly and completely – all that I am is just me.

I learnt that writing is my way of connecting to me and that it is really therapeutic.

This is what I have been waiting to write for 12 months. I think I have been waiting for the right time, the time when it would all just flow. When it would all come out and help me heal….just that little bit more.

If you have continued reading my ramblings (I do rabbit on, my hubby says so) to this point, I thank you for your time in sharing my deepest thoughts and awakenings. As I come to the end, I now believe that this, this process of writing, was more for me than anyone else, but I do hope that you found something of value to take with you as you continue your day or night.

I am grateful that on this day 12 months ago, my body screamed and I finally listened.

Are You Listening To Yours? x