Today it is four years since my dad passed away.
I can't believe he has been gone for so long. For anyone who has lost a loved one, you will understand that feeling of incomprehension that they are no longer physically with you. In those early days, it is something you cannot allow yourself to comprehend, let alone accept as real, as final.
But since my dad has been gone, he has taught me so much. I know that sounds strange, and for a while, I didn't acknowledge it, but now I know and courageously share, that in my dad's passing from this life, he has taught me so many powerful lessons.
On the morning my dad passed away, I was surrounded by a strange sense of calm and an inner peace that I had not experienced before. In the days leading up to dads passing I had been anything but calm. Three nights before, someone had broken into our house at 3am and stolen the car keys, wallet and phone and we awoke to hear the car being driven out the driveway. Having my sense of safety and security eroded in one moment, I did not slept more than a couple of hours for the next 3 days.
However, the night before dad passed away, I finally allowed myself to sleep and awoke feeling so much calmer. I was also battling a persistent throat infection that had been hanging around for 3 weeks. It was so unlike me to get unwell and I had taken antibiotics (yuk) and yet it would not go away (not surprisingly!). These days I would know my throat chakra was out of balance and quickly identify what was causing it to be out of balance and correct it, thereby allowing it to start healing itself. I would ask 'what was I not saying that I needed to say?'. That is the question I now always ask when someone complains of throat issues as the throat chakra relates to communication. However, back then, I was in a very different place in awareness of my physical body and the powerful link between emotion and physical health.
In retrospect, I have considered all the things that I may have needed to say to my dad that I had not said, as my throat infection cleared within 2 days of dads passing. Yet I have resolved that I had said all I needed to say to my dad before he passed. I saw him for the last time, 6 days before he passed away. We were heading to the airport to go back home to Brisbane after a visit to celebrate my baby girls 1st birthday. I remember I took my big girl, who had not long turned 3, into dad’s bedroom to say goodbye. He was lying down having a rest after being to our next door neighbour’s funeral. As my daughter leaned over and kissed her Pa goodbye I said to her 'when you love someone you tell them, ' and she said 'love you Pa' as she kissed him. I leaned over and kissed my dad goodbye and said 'Love you Blue (my affectionate name for him)'. They were my last words to him.
On that morning four years ago, despite the throat infection and the break-in, I was strangely calm. And while my hubby played golf, I calmly got my girls and I ready for the day and I walked them in the double pram up to the church in the village where we were living. My baby girl fell asleep in the pram and slept the whole way through Mass while I cuddled my big girl and felt nothing but a deep love and a sense of inner peace. We left church and I felt so chilled and relaxed and at ease with life, I even let my big girl run ahead instead of sitting in the pram - which I never normally did!
As we strolled down the hill into the village to our favourite café, I wondered what time my hubby would be finished golf and perhaps he could meet us. I knew he was playing on the other side of Brisbane, but thought it would be lovely to share this special morning with him. As I grabbed my phone from my bag, I saw I had numerous missed calls from my hubby and my brother in law. It was in that moment that my life froze and was never to be the same again. I grabbed hold of the handrail beside me and rang my husband.
He answered and said 'Where are you?' I answered 'It's Blue isn't it?' He didn't answer and just said 'Where are you?'
He didn't need to answer, I knew. It was the phone call I had always known was coming, was always expecting - and yet the reality of it was beyond shocking. I was in shock.
I now look back at that morning and that moment and know I was being protected by something or someone - call it a Guardian Angel or a Guide, I just know it all happened the way it did for a reason. My husband was literally 100m around the corner when I rang him and by the time the realisation of what was going on had hit me, I could see him in the car. In a blur I made my way to him, making sure my baby girls were safe and then I fell to the ground in pain and in disbelief and shock. If my darling husband had not been there at that moment, then I simply don't know what I would have done. But he was there, in the same way that I was surrounded by calm and infused with inner peace on that morning. I was protected by something greater than me. And I needed to be, because in that moment, all surface stuff, all ego, all conscious self is abandoned and all you have is pure and raw - raw emotion, exposed and vulnerable. Nothing else matters. A stolen car, a sore throat, a messy house, sleepless nights, unfolded washing, dirty floors....nothing matters but the emotions you are feeling more intensely than ever before, or ever again.
Maybe that was the beginning of the first lesson that my dad taught me since passing away. I learnt that I am, at all times, being guided and protected, by something that I cannot see, cannot touch, cannot hear, yet know, deep within, is always there. And when I needed it, whatever 'it' is, it was and will be there for me. I guess I also felt for the first time an awareness of my 'self'. With all the ego stripped away and nothing but rawness there, I felt for the first time in the longest of times, a deep awareness of myself and connection to my spirit.
They say that sometimes it takes a traumatic event to trigger a spiritual awakening. I now believe, that my dad’s passing was the trigger for my awakening.
It’s been huge. It’s been fast. It’s been overwhelming. It’s been amazing. It’s been scary. It’s been comforting. It’s been challenging. It’s been exciting. It’s been completely life changing.
Am I the person I was four years ago when my dad physically left me?
And much of that is because of my dad.
Two weeks after dad passed away, I fell pregnant with my baby boy. He wasn't planned. He wasn't meant to come while we were in Brisbane with no family around. He wasn't meant to come when I was so emotionally raw and barely coping with life. And yet, he decided it was time to come.
He was my blessing. He is my Xavier and he was my Saviour. My pregnancy was a welcome distraction from my grief. I was sick and exhausted but at least it took my mind off my sadness. And then when he arrived, I had 3 children under 3. I didn't have time to grieve! I didn't have time to do anything bar survive the days and nights.
I did that for about 8 months and then I fell in a heap. I didn't and couldn't get out of bed one morning. I simply couldn't keep going on. Like many women, I guess it all caught up with me, the exhaustion, the repressed emotions, the trying to keep it all together like superwoman. I pulled myself together that day and battled through. Two days later I had made an appointment with a GP, I didn't feel I needed to go - as I had 'got over' it. My wise husband encouraged me to go. I went and it was life changing.
I walked into the GP's room, she asked me how she could help and I took a breath and simply said the words 'I'm not coping'. That was all I needed - no counselling, no medication. That was the start of my healing. In saying those words I allowed myself to be vulnerable and in doing so, I opened the door to growing and changing in the most amazing of ways!
In my vulnerability, I allowed myself to see that there was something missing within me. I had lost 'me' somewhere along the way. At the time I thought it was in having children and loosing time to focus on myself. I now look back and realise I had lost 'me' long before I had my children. I'm not too sure when I lost my connection to my 'self'.
I know that it was there as a child. I know because I didn't fit in when I was a child. I had no friends at school. I was incredibly shy. Yet I never felt alone despite not having anyone to play with or connect with at school. I think now that was because I still had a deep connection to my 'self' which gave me comfort and security. Somewhere after that I lost it, somewhere my ego self, became more powerful and smothered that beautiful soul connection I had.
It is not unusual - sadly it happens all the time. It is part of the reason why I work with children. I want them to nourish the connection that they have to their true self, their soul. I don't want them to lose it, because when you have that connection, life flows - there is more joy and less struggle, there is more peace and less anxiety, there is more love and less fear. It is what life should be!
It took me to this point in my life, 36 years old & 3 children, to realise I had lost my soul connection, and yet by allowing that awareness I opened myself to finding it again. I suppose I went looking consciously and subconsciously for what I needed to do for me. I'm not too sure how it happened but within weeks I could not stop researching kinesiology, I just kept coming back to it or maybe it just kept coming back to me. And within a matter of days of discovering the course that was to change my life, I was enrolled and sitting in class. My life changed in the craziest and astounding way that weekend. I discovered my passion, my purpose and in doing so rediscovered my connection to my true self.
I continue to learn on my spiritual journey. I have learnt about the journey of the spirit through this experience called life. That our spirit comes into life to have a human experience that teaches, if we allow it, important lessons, that allows our spirit to expand through our life. I have learnt about the after-life experience. And it offers comfort in understanding death and that it is simply the end of a spirits physical life experience. I believe that the spirit lives on in a non-physical form, and that our connection to our loved ones remains, if we allow it. That is my belief. That is what I have come to learn from my experiences over the last four years. That is what resonates deeply with me.
By far the greatest gift my dad has given to me in his passing, is in helping me to rediscover my gift of healing. I believe it is something that was always a part of me, it had just not found the avenue to work most effectively. Kinesiology was that avenue for me. It has allowed me to work with hundreds of clients over the past 3 years, and my personal spiritual growth over this time allows me to work with my clients in the way that I do. I know that I am changing people’s lives. I know that as I continue to learn and grow more, which is what life is all about, that I will continue to attract the clients that I am supposed to work with, so that my lessons, my learning's can help them in their lessons, in their learning's.
And that is the greatest gift of all for me - what a blessing!
Thanks Blue for all you have taught me over the last four years! Do I miss you - yeah, I miss your physical presence so much and would love nothing more than to sit and have a beer and the craic with you (not that I drink beer anymore - but you get the picture), but I feel you around most days and I'm grateful for that. x